What is Attachment in Marital Relationship? How Do Secure and Insecure Attachment Affect the Relation?

attachment marital relationship
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

For understanding your spouse better, you first need to understand his/her style of attachment. Different people have different type of attachment and your spouse’s style of attachment might not be same as yours and that is why he/she reacts differently from your expectations.

It depends on a person’s early development and his/her bonding with one’s mother/primary caregiver. This article will not only help you understand your own and your spouse’s attachment style but, will also guide you in making better attachment with your children.

Psychology suggests three most common styles/types/patterns of attachment, which are secure attachment, anxious attachment, and avoidant attachment style. Come let’s discuss all these briefly.

Secure Attachment

A securely attached person tends to be confident in the relationship and easily communicates his/her feelings with one’s spouse. This person doesn’t suffocate the other person and lets him/her enjoy his/her freedom as well as the loving relationship.

Secure people have had proper attachment with their primary caregiver during ok infancy. When the attachment figure is available during the crisis time and when needed and provides warmth to the baby, the baby becomes confident and happily explores the world around him/her. This confidence prolongs to romantic relationships as well.

Anxious Attachment

Anxious attachment is marked by emotional hunger in the person i.e., the person forms a fantasy bond with the spouse and keeps such expectations which most of the times are not reality based.

Such people irritate their spouses and do not let them enjoy their freedom. They tend to remain irritable and conscious about their relationship all the time. The reason behind such kind of attachment is that during infancy their attachment figure (mother/primary caregiver) wasn’t available to them all the time i.e., she was sometimes available and sometimes not available. That is why they couldn’t develop complete trust and this facet still remains in their personality during romantic relationships.

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment in a baby develops as a result of continued unavailability of the caretaker. The infant learns to become independent and stops expecting the mother/caregiver to show up when needed.

Such people as adults are very difficult to understand and get along with. They don’t let you interfere in their life and don’t show much closeness or attachment to you. They won’t discuss their matters with you and won’t easily trust you.

Deep inside, they crave intimacy, but they’ll never reveal this feeling to you.

Now, you’ve had some overview of the different attachment patterns or styles which people bring with them while establishing a romantic relationship. As I’ve mentioned earlier, these styles are a part of person’s personality (apparently permanent part) but, you need not to worry as they can be changed as well. It’s not necessary that if a person has this particular attachment style, then he/she cannot be changed in any way. Love and attention can change everything and everyone. Once you get to know about the attachment style of your partner, many things get clear to you. Like you are able to understand why he/she acts in a particular way, what he/she wants from you and the relationship etc. When you start understanding the reasons behind a person’s behavior, you don’t get irritated by him/her anymore and you try to console that person by assuring him/her of your loyalty and dedication and support. All these insecure (anxious or avoidant) people need is your security and affection. So, for making your relationships smooth, you should put some effort to make your spouse/partner feel safe and loved.

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